in the beginning

Hello. I'm yet another blogger in this godforsaken world that is the internet. I'm also yet another bulimic blogger that has chosen to start blogging about her life.

I'm not one of those whiny bitches that go on and on about losing and gaining those measly little pounds, crying over it, eating my shame and then vomiting it all up again, oh no. I'm one of those who have absolutely no clue why she does it in the first place.

I guess it all started with a friend of mine who never ate and it showed (she's now a healthy weight and is beyond gorgeous) and she constantly called herself fat, when she weighed the same as I used to (110lbs) and was about seven or eight inches taller. She kept on comparing herself to me and called me skinny. Now, I know that's just like, "Well what the hell? That's a compliment, isn't it?" but for some strange reason, I took it as an insult.

Truth be told, I didn't think I was really all that slim in the first place. I thought I was normal. I used to be bigger and weigh more, but I went on this healthy diet kick (eating less junk, exercising more often) and lost a couple of those pounds. That was way back when in 8th grade.

I'm in 10th now and I am bulimic. I remember when I'd eat normally during the day, anything I wanted, then I went home and when I'd get called up for dinner, I'd eat it, be told to go for a shower and purge it back up in the bathroom. That went on for a couple months and finally, I just decided that I'd eat fruit for the rest of my life, because hey, it was healthy and it really didn't matter how much I ate of it.

And then I tried commiting suicide. Big woop.

I have absolutely no recollection of it, but that's what my mum and my friends tell me. It's kind of sad that I don't remember, you know? It's something that I want to get past, but I want to remember exactly the reasons that lead up to it, etc... I don't know, it's just stupid.

But that was two years ago. My mum won't let me just eat fruit anymore, so I now eat tiny things during the day (at school, at home, etc) and rarely eat dinner. But when I do, I tend to overeat and I feel ever so guilty afterwards. I go to the bathroom, claim that I'm taking a shower, turn on my music up to thirty and throw it all up in the toilet.

There's times where some nights, I absolutely love myself and I start dancing around the room because I'm so happy, but there's other nights where I just want to die. I get so exhausted, from all the purging, the thoughts that run through my fucking mind, the exercising I do to burn the excess calories I didn't get out... I'm just a mess. I weigh 89 to 92 pounds, I'm 90 now. My lowest has been 88. I'm 5'1", so I suppose that's not all that bad.

But I desperately want to get better. And I want to be able to enjoy food without having to vomit it back up again and then go for an hour's walk afterwards. I'd be able to do it too, if it weren't for the fact that I'm absolutely terrified of getting fat.