saying things that you don't mean.

Yeah, I binged today. I wasn't originally planning to because to be honest, I wasn't even that hungry. I threw most of it up and I plan to go out for a walk after I post this. But today, something stupid happened.

This guy I sit next to in my History class (let's call him Steve) kept mentioning to me about my weight.

Steve: "Oh my god, my thighs are so damn big. *turns to me and raises an eyebrow* Aren't they?"

Me: "They look fine, Steve."

Steve: "Look at you! Your's are so tiny."

Me: "So?"

Steve: "So? What about babies? Don't ladies need proper thighs in order to have kids?"

Me: "I don't know. I don't really want kids anyway. Why? Do you?"

Steve: "Well yeah, some day probably."

Me: "Then I have my choices and you have yours."

Steve: "Yeah, still--"

Me: "Just shut the fuck up and let's do our work."

I don't know. He and I went to elementary school together and I remember having this HUGE crush on him all through grade six and seven. He'd be in "relationships" with some of the girls and they all were stick thin, while I used to be a normal size.

Has man's perception of beauty changed?

But I don't care, because he's finally talking to me. Paying any attention to me. So I've decided that I have to stay thin in order to keep that.

**BUT THEN**

He said things that he hasn't said about me since elementary school and I guess this is what triggered my binge. Continuing our conversation.

Steve: "Fine. You're a bitch so I don't care."
Me (at this point I had enough): "Why are you so mean to me?"

Steve: "I'm not mean, I'm just telling the truth."

Me: "So I'm a bitch?"

Steve: "Yeah, you are."

Me: "*muttering* You asshole."

Steve: "And guess what?"

Me: "Fuck off."

Steve: "I bet you're a man. That's why your thighs don't touch."

It hurt. Even though it's an elementary insult, it still hurt. I went home afterwards, without a smile. I walked into my house and decided not to eat. I went into my room, quickly changed my clothes, went into the fridge and planned to just eat fruit and yoghurt.

I ended up eating my entire fridge's contents instead. And then I threw up.

God. Now I know what my triggers are. I'm not sitting by him anymore.