baby loves to dance in the dark.

So I had a bunch to eat. It's now 8:59pm and I've NEVER and I mean NEVER binged this late before. It's always been either before 6 or a little after, then I throw up.

I did throw up, but god... I've got the worst indigestion ever. During my puking, I kept having to burp more so than usual, which resulted into not all of it coming out. The lasts of that damn apple fritter is stuck. I'm still burping (loudly) and I can taste it.

Binge:

*1 apple fritter from 7-11.

*1 whole bag of Two Bite Brownies.

*1 bowl of rice with tofu, soyasauce and seaweed.

*2 cups of Cookies'n'Cream ice cream.

Oh god. I got nearly everything up except for some of the apple fritter. I really don't like myself right now.

I went shopping today and bought new jeans. They're a size 24, but I have a feeling that they're bigger (or I've shrunk, which I REALLY don't believe) because they don't fit me as well as they should. I dunno, my body image is distorted, so even though I look and feel bigger, the goddamn scale stays the exact same or goes down lower. /: Whatever?

I also got some new shoes. They're Nikes and not exactly what I'd choose first hand, but they were on sale, so I guess that's okay? I can't find a picture of them, nor can I post one because my camera cord is broken, but they're green/yellow and made out of this... silky material. I'm not exactly sure, but they're cool.

Anyway, I hope everyone's doing a lot better than me right now. -_- Cheers.

*edit*

Acid reflux. More of the apple fritter is out now.

locked inside your heart-shaped box.

Okay, so I have news. I think... I want to recover. Shit. Fuck. FUCK. I've been having these thoughts ever since last block. This dude accidentally elbowed me in the boob and I told him, while his friend has this smirky face and goes, "Or lack of."

Fuck him. FUCK HIM. I know I don't have THAT big of a chest, but I've still got some. Fucking ass. I want to gain weight in order to get them bigger, but then I'd be risking the size of my thighs.

I just had a chinese bun and about 1 cup of cheerios. I'm tempted to throw it up.

Help?

-

Besides that, the guy that called me a man earlier (still Steve) keeps flirting with me. It's really strange, because we're always mocking arguments with each other and shit and he compliments how I look, while still asking about my weight. I think he cares....? But he has a really weird way of showing it.

she'll never leave me

You know what's funny? I've been listening to 3OH!3 on Youtube for the past six hours and I don't even like the band. Their music has no actual meaning to it, but it's catchy. Gah, I hate it.

Anyway. I just decided to post this, saying that despite my habits, I've binged again. It's really strange.

Binge:
*2 plates of yaki udon, with vegetables.

*2 bowls of cookies'n'cream ice cream.

*2 bowls of Honey Nut cheerios.

Aaaand that's it. I remember chewing and spitting some Maria biscuits, but that's about it. The stupid fucked thing is, I'm still fucking hungry.

I know I threw up and all, but it's still ridiculous. It got to a point where I'm chucking up blood and I can taste the stomach acid by itself. It's disgusting.

she falls apart.

I had a semi normal meal today, though I did puke it up.

Breakfast:

*Toast with 1/2 tbsp. margerine.

*1 bowl of Honey Nut cheerios with skim milk.

Lunch:

*Vegetarian sushi - yam tempera, vegetable, all that jazz.

*1 cinmabun from Cobs.

Though I did get up the sushi and cinnabun, I don't plan to eat anything else today. There's nothing in my house to eat (besides ice cream, but it's a nasty flavour so I won't even bother), so I guess that's good.

Regardless of that, has anyone noticed how thin Lady Gaga is getting? I thought she looked fine before. Don't get me wrong, her music's alright and she looks amazing skinny, I just hate how she flaunts it. In the first picture, I almost feel sick because you can nearly see her ribs. Visible bones are pretty, but it's strange to see a previously normal sized beautiful woman change to a thin, bony girl. And in the second picture that I've posted underneath, she looks... almost hot (which I think was taken just after or before the release of The Fame Monster).

It's inspiring, sure, but still scary all the same.

perfect lies from a perfect dame

So I've realized that my scale's been broken for the past few weeks. I don't have a digital one, so it's the old fashioned scales. It's been off by two pounds this entire month and I just weighed myself... what? Three hours ago? And I weigh 91 pounds. So that means that I'm actually 89. Joy.

I don't care what I weigh, to be honest, just as long as I look skinny, I'm fine. During the summer of 2009, I weighed in at 94-95 pounds and the gap between my thighs was even bigger than it is now. And what's even better, my thighs still look huge.

I think I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning, if I actually sleep tonight and wake up alright in the morning. I'll probably have some toast or Honey Nut cheerios for breakfast and then head out with my mum.

I'm not afraid of food, I'm afraid of eating because once I do it, there's this voice in my head that says "Well, you've already fucked up, why not finish what you started?" and then I go have a few bowls of ice cream and scrambled egg sandwiches. Then I throw up.

I don't like purging. At all. It makes me sick, it makes me tired, and it makes me really worried about what I'm doing to my body. I don't have the willpower to be anorexic and to be honest, I find some of the anorexia thinspiration to be kind of... disgusting.

Anyway. Just thought I'd share.

Today, menu was...

Breakfast:
*1 Asian rice cake ball with red bean paste on the inside and sesame seeds on the outside. Not sure what it's actually called, but it tasted alright.

*1 green pear.

*1 cup of black coffee with stevia.

Lunch:
*1 double chocolate muffin.

*1 chocolate chip muffin.

*1 can diet coke.

Dinner: (This is binge)
*1 bowl of Asian stir fried rice with seaweed.

*12 Maria tea biscuits, 4 with Nutella and the rest with reduced-fat peanut butter.

*1 Nutella sandwich.

*Fuck it, I don't even remember the rest, but I puked the lot up.

(And what I actually digested)
*2 packs of gum.

*1 500ml bottle of water.

That's it for today, folks. I'm still skinny, but I could do better.

not stopping by now.

I gained two pounds. I'm 92 now. It's not that surprising, but it's still... kinda upsetting. My boobs have gotten a bit bigger, but the bad thing is, so have my thighs. T_T

I didn't eat anything today past breakfast, except now. I was hungry as soon as I got home, so naturally, I began to binge.

Breakfast:
*Two plain pancakes with no syrup or butter.

*A few Corn Pops.

Lunch:
*Two cans of diet Coke.

*A pack of gum.

Dinner: (Bad part right here)

*Five portions of this casserole thing (chili sauce/corn/mashed potatoes).

*Two Nutella sandwiches.

*Six Chips Ahoy!
*Three Oreos.

*One and a half cups of Pralines And Cream ice cream.

Dear god... I feel so disgusting, even though I puked it up. I think I ate some chocolate too, but I can't even remember.

I'm going for a walk later, I have to buy and replace the cookies I ate 'cause they weren't even mine, aha. Ice cream too, because even though I didn't eat that much of it, there's next to none left.

Plus, I have to do my Spanish homework that's due for tomorrow. /: Sigh.

kids 'round here gotta different way of doing it.

I binged on some Chips Ahoy!, Oreos, some caramel corn, one Reese's peanut butter cup and one english muffin with margarine. And I threw up, aha.

I just ate two bananas and a small cup of Corn Pops and I keep trying to resist the urge to throw up 'cause they feel horrible sitting inside my stomach.

My weight keeps fluctuating. My thighs look big and small and then big and small again. /: Sucks.

Anyway. I meant to blog to say that I'm going to watch Alice In Wonderland tonight. I don't know how it's going to be and to be honest, I'm not even that interested in going to see it, but just as long as I'm out and not at home (not that I hate my home, everyone in it is just absolutely lovely, it's the food that isn't), I'm okay.

Let's hope that I don't eat anymore tonight.

my foot on the back of your neck

Hahaha, I binged and threw up again. I know it's actually called purging, but to me, the word sounds extremely stupid, so I don't like using it.

Anyway, my menu for today was...

Breakfast:

*2 bowls of Special K with milk and stevia.

*1 medium double chocolate muffin.

*1 cup of black coffee with stevia.

Lunch:

*1 medium chocolate chip muffin.

*2 cans of diet coke.

*4 Miss Vickies Salt and Vinegar chips.

Dinner?:

*4 Two-Bite Brownies.

*4 Two-Bite Cinnamon Rolls.

*1 cinnamon roll from Cobs.

*2 potatoes - sliced up and microwaved with a slice of cheddar cheese on top.

And I threw up. LOLOL I find it so funny how I'm trying to recover, yet I keep eating like this and throwing up afterwards. I'm still 90 pounds.

I guess my trigger is still because of yesterday. The dude keeps staring at me with this look of... sadness? I dunno, whenever I'm looking in his direction and he looks back, I'll quickly turn my head. He makes me sick.

Quite literally.

saying things that you don't mean.

Yeah, I binged today. I wasn't originally planning to because to be honest, I wasn't even that hungry. I threw most of it up and I plan to go out for a walk after I post this. But today, something stupid happened.

This guy I sit next to in my History class (let's call him Steve) kept mentioning to me about my weight.

Steve: "Oh my god, my thighs are so damn big. *turns to me and raises an eyebrow* Aren't they?"

Me: "They look fine, Steve."

Steve: "Look at you! Your's are so tiny."

Me: "So?"

Steve: "So? What about babies? Don't ladies need proper thighs in order to have kids?"

Me: "I don't know. I don't really want kids anyway. Why? Do you?"

Steve: "Well yeah, some day probably."

Me: "Then I have my choices and you have yours."

Steve: "Yeah, still--"

Me: "Just shut the fuck up and let's do our work."

I don't know. He and I went to elementary school together and I remember having this HUGE crush on him all through grade six and seven. He'd be in "relationships" with some of the girls and they all were stick thin, while I used to be a normal size.

Has man's perception of beauty changed?

But I don't care, because he's finally talking to me. Paying any attention to me. So I've decided that I have to stay thin in order to keep that.

**BUT THEN**

He said things that he hasn't said about me since elementary school and I guess this is what triggered my binge. Continuing our conversation.

Steve: "Fine. You're a bitch so I don't care."
Me (at this point I had enough): "Why are you so mean to me?"

Steve: "I'm not mean, I'm just telling the truth."

Me: "So I'm a bitch?"

Steve: "Yeah, you are."

Me: "*muttering* You asshole."

Steve: "And guess what?"

Me: "Fuck off."

Steve: "I bet you're a man. That's why your thighs don't touch."

It hurt. Even though it's an elementary insult, it still hurt. I went home afterwards, without a smile. I walked into my house and decided not to eat. I went into my room, quickly changed my clothes, went into the fridge and planned to just eat fruit and yoghurt.

I ended up eating my entire fridge's contents instead. And then I threw up.

God. Now I know what my triggers are. I'm not sitting by him anymore.

it wasn't worth my time.

I haven't binged today. Thank god. Quite the contrary, actually. I haven't eaten much except a bowl of Life brand/Gorilla Munch with milk, a few bowls of Life brand without milk and two bananas throughout this entire day.

But that's not going to be the point of this post.

It's this guy. I'll call him Jude. Now, me and a friend (I'll call her... Katie) were friends with Jude until the beginning of this year. Why? Because we both had to cancel out on him for this play because we had family/school conflicts and shit. He decides to take it WAY out of hand and Katie and I get into this huge arguement with him. We both decided to leave him be because he's just someone that we don't really give all that much shit about.

All goes well until about a month ago, where he decides to message Katie (but not me, the cunt) and apologizes. Katie, being the kind hearted person she is, forgives him.

They schedule to meet up and talk about it in person, but she had forgotten about it because she was sick on the day they had planned to meet. Naturally, she forgot to tell him too and he emails her, being sarcastic and manipulative.

She apologizes with "OMG I'M SO SORRY! D: I COMPLETELY FORGOT!" and he asks to meet her at his school. She complies, goes to his school and gets bitched out by these two girls in a grade younger than she is.

He messages her again afterwards, asking for an apology for apparently embarassing him in front of two very very hot girls. Of course, she asks him why and he just blows up, calling her a stupid bitch and a cunt and a slut and all those wonderful female insults.

I don't know, it's not like it involves me directly, but just reading their conversation, it makes me SO DAMN FUCKING ANGRY that he does this. He has no friends, which equals to him having no life, which equals to him having too much time on his hands, which equals to him resorting to bullying people via the internet.

IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. HOLY FUCK.

I'm sorry everyone, I'm just so annoyed and frustrated with this. I told Katie that if this went on any longer, I'd be going to my school's counselor and telling her about it until this is resolved. She's agreed, but before, she told me not to. I'm going to anyway. Not for her sake, but for mine. I'm losing fucking sleep over this.

is it worth it, can you even hear me.

Today was... okay, I guess. I ate so much today though and I'm thinking of purging it up because I can't stand the idea of having it inside me. /:

Menu was...
Breakfast:
*A bowl of dry Apple Cinnamon Cheerios.
*One banana.
Snack:
*A baggie of dry Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and Gorilla Munch.
Lunch: (This is the bad part)
*One vegetable sushi combo - One yam tempera sushi roll, one avocado roll and two pieces of inari (whatever the hell that is).
*An entire box of Fibre1 Oats And Peanut Butter bars. And I mean, the entire five bars.
*One bowl of dry Life brand cereal.
*One apple.

I don't consider that a huge binge, but the thing I'm most worried about is the entire box of Fibre1 bars. I liked them so much that I ended up eating all 750 calories of it, aha.

I dunno. I'm probably going to throw it up eventually. Then go for a walk, get some exercise, blahblahblah, what else is fucking new.

marry me, stay the same.

Maajor lulz on my part, I ate more. Two slices of homemade carrot cake with homemade icing, the leftovers from White Spot and about 8 slices of Brie cheese with Premium Plus crackers. That's not a lot for a binge, but I puked it up regardless.

And then I had this huge fit with myself, contemplating on whether or not I should go out for a walk and burn off whatever didn't come up. It was cold as fuck both outside and in my room (with the heater on O_O) so it took me awhile, but I did go out.

I pretty much power walked to Shoppers, got make up and other shit, then to Chapters/Starbucks, picked up a venti green tea (added some Splenda) and bought Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs and went home.

I was thinking of lighting one up, but I got a call from my mum in the bookstore, asking me if I could be home early. /: So I ended up skipping. I think I might just smoke a cig in my bathroom with the window open because I'm desperately craving.

you're born to quit.

So I did it again. Ahahaha, after I promised myself for what must've been the 85973847508742th time, I ate so much that it hurt and I threw up.

I originally planned for today to be a slow one. I'd wake up late, eat some cereal and spend the rest of the day on the computer. But it was the farthest thing from that, because I had gone to bed at around 4 this morning and my mum woke me up at 9:30, asking me if I wanted to go to this guitar thing at this university. I didn't want to go, but I said why not anyway and I fell asleep on her shoulder throughout the entire performance, only waking up to give my half hearted claps.

Afterwards, I asked if we were going home, but my mum and gramma wanted to go eat instead. I thought about it and shrugged, thinking that I could only eat something small and go home happy. Instead, we go to White Spot. But that's okay too, I ordered an appetizer and an entree, only planning to eat half of each.

Turns out, my mum ordered me a milkshake when I wasn't listening.

So I ended up drinking all of it, 2/3 of my entree and half of my appetizer. I was full as fuck at that point (I've got indigestion aswell, so my stomach bloats up twice its size with even the smallest amount of food), but my mum insisted on getting dessert. We got a slice of cheesecake with blueberry syrup. I ate the whole lot and by the end, I couldn't move.

After what is ten minutes, we got up, paid and then walked back to the bus loop. I walked faster than them from the stop and I was about five minutes home earlier than them. I used the keys I asked from my mum, unlocked the door and went down to the basement. I then started my music and turned on the shower. I took the used toothbrush out of my medicine cabinet, stuck it down my throat and prepared for the worst.

But I didn't get all of it out. I could've if I really wanted to, but a part of me said to just leave it in. On top of breakfast (Apple Cinnamon cheerios, toast and fruit), I guess this wasn't as bad as before. Even though it's only about 4:30pm, I'm expecting to wake up a size bigger tomorrow if I don't go walking.

/: Decisions, decisions. I hate decisions because they always screw my mind up; it almost always takes the wrong one.

Anyway. Best regards to everyone. I hope you're all doing better than I am. D:

the mention of tits and vaginas

I've been having thoughts lately and I think I'm bisexual. Whenever (fuck it, I'm just going to say it) jack off, I think of both a girl and a guy fucking the shit out of me and... it turns me on. Hahaha, oh god, I don't know how I'm going to explain this to my friends, who all assume that I'm straight because I'm this girl who's seen as the 'adorable' and 'innocent' one.

I don't understand where that image came from, seeing as I've dyed my hair too many times for me to count, have numerous piercings on my face and ears and body, and smoke as much as what's left of my pack. But to each their own, I suppose.

Over the last summer of 2009, I got a tee shirt that says 'I (heart) Boobies!' to support breast cancer and this girl came up to me and asked me what it said. Now, this girl is the hugest cunt gossipper in the entire school. I showed it to her and... oh my god, do you know what she asked next?

"Ew, you're not gay, are you?"

Alright, bitch? You ask me what my shirt says and then you ask me if I'm homosexual. I'm not a man, you twat. It's either lesbian or bisexual. In my case, it'd be the later of the two because while I still find tits and a vagina hot, I'm still open to men. Regardless. It just pisses me off when I get completely idiotic people on my case like that.

But I'm still... afraid of coming out to my friends because I don't want to lose them. I've got two best girl friends who are against homophobia, but say the words 'faggot' and 'gay' and all that. And I've got a best guy friend who is really homophobic against men. Even though, again, I'm not a man and he says that bisexual and lesbian girls are hot (maaajor laughs), but I'm still not sure.

Fuck, I wish I knew. But it's absolutely fantastic being bisexual and bulimic, yeah?

in the beginning

Hello. I'm yet another blogger in this godforsaken world that is the internet. I'm also yet another bulimic blogger that has chosen to start blogging about her life.

I'm not one of those whiny bitches that go on and on about losing and gaining those measly little pounds, crying over it, eating my shame and then vomiting it all up again, oh no. I'm one of those who have absolutely no clue why she does it in the first place.

I guess it all started with a friend of mine who never ate and it showed (she's now a healthy weight and is beyond gorgeous) and she constantly called herself fat, when she weighed the same as I used to (110lbs) and was about seven or eight inches taller. She kept on comparing herself to me and called me skinny. Now, I know that's just like, "Well what the hell? That's a compliment, isn't it?" but for some strange reason, I took it as an insult.

Truth be told, I didn't think I was really all that slim in the first place. I thought I was normal. I used to be bigger and weigh more, but I went on this healthy diet kick (eating less junk, exercising more often) and lost a couple of those pounds. That was way back when in 8th grade.

I'm in 10th now and I am bulimic. I remember when I'd eat normally during the day, anything I wanted, then I went home and when I'd get called up for dinner, I'd eat it, be told to go for a shower and purge it back up in the bathroom. That went on for a couple months and finally, I just decided that I'd eat fruit for the rest of my life, because hey, it was healthy and it really didn't matter how much I ate of it.

And then I tried commiting suicide. Big woop.

I have absolutely no recollection of it, but that's what my mum and my friends tell me. It's kind of sad that I don't remember, you know? It's something that I want to get past, but I want to remember exactly the reasons that lead up to it, etc... I don't know, it's just stupid.

But that was two years ago. My mum won't let me just eat fruit anymore, so I now eat tiny things during the day (at school, at home, etc) and rarely eat dinner. But when I do, I tend to overeat and I feel ever so guilty afterwards. I go to the bathroom, claim that I'm taking a shower, turn on my music up to thirty and throw it all up in the toilet.

There's times where some nights, I absolutely love myself and I start dancing around the room because I'm so happy, but there's other nights where I just want to die. I get so exhausted, from all the purging, the thoughts that run through my fucking mind, the exercising I do to burn the excess calories I didn't get out... I'm just a mess. I weigh 89 to 92 pounds, I'm 90 now. My lowest has been 88. I'm 5'1", so I suppose that's not all that bad.

But I desperately want to get better. And I want to be able to enjoy food without having to vomit it back up again and then go for an hour's walk afterwards. I'd be able to do it too, if it weren't for the fact that I'm absolutely terrified of getting fat.